This is what depression looks like. It's bleak and dark and full of anxiety and confusion. I am depressed.
I am tired. I am tired and filled with dread and my eyes won't dry out. They are in a constant state of at the blink of an eye the tears will fall down my cheeks. But I'm not actually crying.
This is what depression looks like. It's bleak and dark and full of anxiety and confusion. I hate feeling depressed.
For the past 3 years I really didn't want to believe that the medication I took was actually for my depression. I convinced myself (and everyone else) that the pills were for the fibro pain. That's actually funny because my pills ran out 10 days ago and it has taken a while to get a new prescription and the only thing I feel is anguish and dread.
But what I am crying about at this very moment... what has made me feel truly sad inside more than anything else is that for the first time in literally years, I not only have so many things to write about, I actually want to write them. And that will most likely disappear tomorrow when I'm back on my meds.
I now realize that all those years I called myself a writer; all those years I wrote and wrote and wrote; all those years I not only had something to say, I needed to say them in words and I did. Because for all those years I was actually just depressed.
I wrote in order to calm or satiate my demons. I wrote in order to spread a little light on my darkness. And I am sad because all those years that I wrote to keep my soul breathing, I was writing because I had to, because that was my coping mechanism. Because without my writing I probably would have died.
I want so much to write again. I want to explore the world with words and share them with everyone. But I am sad today because tomorrow I will probably take a pill and the words will disappear.
In my wallet, typed up on a folded piece of paper, is my acceptance speech for Best Original Screenplay for the Academy Awards because that has been my dream ever since I can remember. But now I feel as though it's a dream I will never attain because now I am so aware of my inability to write when I am not depressed. And since I know I can't live my life in a shadow of darkness, I will continue to take the pills and thus stop writing. I may never finish writing a great screenplay.
This is my reality... today. Who knows what will be tomorrow... after I've filled my prescription.
